So Far Away

I heard a song today
That took the breath that I had saved for you
Torn from my lungs
Like an infant torn from it’s mother’s arms
Left breathless and limp
My heart could only beat
Without a rhythm
For it  has always thumped
In time with your touch

A song so strong
To leave me doubled over
I’ve not lost you,
In that I no longer have you
But I’ve lost you,
In that I can no longer find you

In dreams I have
My calls to you go unanswered
In every corner I look
You are but a shadow of sunflower
That once stood where emptiness hath now enveloped
I’ll chase the smell of sunflowers every night
And every night
Before I can find the source
I wake to an empty bed

My ears have betrayed me
A mutiny of the heart
To let in the sweet sound of reminiscence
So I can be reminded of your absence
In a state  as empty as my bed
Empty except for me
Alone and yet surrounded by people

Sights of sunflowers blowing in the wind
Sounds of songs once loved
Smells of shampoo that remind me of you
My head is swimming
My senses overcome with the memory of you
And even in the middle of conversation
I find I am talking to myself

I can only be fifty percent of me
Because my other half rests elsewhere
And if home is where the heart is
Then my home is with you
Sometimes I wish upon a star
To wake up next to you
Even just one day sooner

But I wont let it stop me
Or slow my momentum
Because if I can be strong
With only half a heart
Imagine what I can accomplish
With you to reinforce me

The days drawn out
The nights neglected
The slumber scarce
The dreams destroyed
No wall can be erected
That can stop me
From coming back to my sunflower

New Year New Thoughts

Happy belated New Years everyone! Everyone has been making resolutions and I decided not to make any. In my opinion a New Years resolution is something that most people tend not to do. Not to say that people always fail when it comes to resolutions, just that I always do…. 

So apart from me messing every time I write the date out, nothing has changed for me. I still plan on exorcising a lot and trying to write more often. But those are goals that I’ve had for a while. Regardless, I hope this year is much better than last year. 

A little while ago I wrote a blog post titled Realistic Reassessments where I talked about how I need to get my life on track and what not. This month I was told that I would be sent away for school for the National Guard. So on the 16^th of Feb, it’s back to Ft. Sill OK for me. I’m going to be doing a 12 week course to pick up the Radar Technician MOS (Military Occupational Specialty). I was told that with this MOS I could become an air traffic controller at an airport with no problem. I need to look a little more into it, but if that is true then after 12 weeks I can finally set myself up with a career. Thus getting my life on track =]. 

I’m actually really excited to be entering the military lifestyle again. I loved getting up at 5 to do PT (physical training). Plus I can really use a break from NJ for a while. This here have been less than happy for me. I plan on changing that though! After training, if I can indeed get a really good job at an airport, I plan on moving far far away. Possibly some place warm like AZ or CA. I want to spend a few years working and saving my money then apply for a work visa and take myself over to the UK. It has always been my dream really, and I just hope I’m making the correct choices in making that dream a reality. 

As for love, I think I’ll be taking a break. If someone special comes along then I can’t stress how happy that will make me. But for now, I’m done actively pursuing romance. I think now is a really important time in my life to focus on me. I need to get myself squared away before I’m really ready to start anything long term anyways. 

So that is what’s going on with me. I NEED to write more. Writing for me is like exorcise. It just makes me happy. I may not be great at it, but it is an outlet and very important to me. Sometimes it’s just hard to find the motivation, or even the time. But I will make time, maybe I can get my friends to nudge me along a little =P.