So Far Away

I heard a song today
That took the breath that I had saved for you
Torn from my lungs
Like an infant torn from it’s mother’s arms
Left breathless and limp
My heart could only beat
Without a rhythm
For it  has always thumped
In time with your touch

A song so strong
To leave me doubled over
I’ve not lost you,
In that I no longer have you
But I’ve lost you,
In that I can no longer find you

In dreams I have
My calls to you go unanswered
In every corner I look
You are but a shadow of sunflower
That once stood where emptiness hath now enveloped
I’ll chase the smell of sunflowers every night
And every night
Before I can find the source
I wake to an empty bed

My ears have betrayed me
A mutiny of the heart
To let in the sweet sound of reminiscence
So I can be reminded of your absence
In a state  as empty as my bed
Empty except for me
Alone and yet surrounded by people

Sights of sunflowers blowing in the wind
Sounds of songs once loved
Smells of shampoo that remind me of you
My head is swimming
My senses overcome with the memory of you
And even in the middle of conversation
I find I am talking to myself

I can only be fifty percent of me
Because my other half rests elsewhere
And if home is where the heart is
Then my home is with you
Sometimes I wish upon a star
To wake up next to you
Even just one day sooner

But I wont let it stop me
Or slow my momentum
Because if I can be strong
With only half a heart
Imagine what I can accomplish
With you to reinforce me

The days drawn out
The nights neglected
The slumber scarce
The dreams destroyed
No wall can be erected
That can stop me
From coming back to my sunflower

New Year New Thoughts

Happy belated New Years everyone! Everyone has been making resolutions and I decided not to make any. In my opinion a New Years resolution is something that most people tend not to do. Not to say that people always fail when it comes to resolutions, just that I always do…. 

So apart from me messing every time I write the date out, nothing has changed for me. I still plan on exorcising a lot and trying to write more often. But those are goals that I’ve had for a while. Regardless, I hope this year is much better than last year. 

A little while ago I wrote a blog post titled Realistic Reassessments where I talked about how I need to get my life on track and what not. This month I was told that I would be sent away for school for the National Guard. So on the 16^th of Feb, it’s back to Ft. Sill OK for me. I’m going to be doing a 12 week course to pick up the Radar Technician MOS (Military Occupational Specialty). I was told that with this MOS I could become an air traffic controller at an airport with no problem. I need to look a little more into it, but if that is true then after 12 weeks I can finally set myself up with a career. Thus getting my life on track =]. 

I’m actually really excited to be entering the military lifestyle again. I loved getting up at 5 to do PT (physical training). Plus I can really use a break from NJ for a while. This here have been less than happy for me. I plan on changing that though! After training, if I can indeed get a really good job at an airport, I plan on moving far far away. Possibly some place warm like AZ or CA. I want to spend a few years working and saving my money then apply for a work visa and take myself over to the UK. It has always been my dream really, and I just hope I’m making the correct choices in making that dream a reality. 

As for love, I think I’ll be taking a break. If someone special comes along then I can’t stress how happy that will make me. But for now, I’m done actively pursuing romance. I think now is a really important time in my life to focus on me. I need to get myself squared away before I’m really ready to start anything long term anyways. 

So that is what’s going on with me. I NEED to write more. Writing for me is like exorcise. It just makes me happy. I may not be great at it, but it is an outlet and very important to me. Sometimes it’s just hard to find the motivation, or even the time. But I will make time, maybe I can get my friends to nudge me along a little =P.

I Am

Do not reject me

For I am the one who catches you when you fall

I am the one who makes you smile when you are sad

I am the one who calms you when you're mad

I am the sugar to your spice

I am often mistaken, my weakness is not my nice

I am the one who is there for you when you're sick

I am the one who takes you home when you're homesick

I am the one who would drive to Atlantic City to get you

Or come to a hotel room where you've done something you regret

I would give you my heart if only you would let

I am your crutch when you're weak

Your courage when you're meek

Your light when things get bleak

Your bridge over life's rapid creek

I am the one who stands up for you when no one else does

I am the one that wakes up to your face every morning

But most of all

I am the one who loves you unconditionally

Do not reject me

My kind of love is rare

It's strong

It's beautiful

And it deserves to receive what it puts out

You've broken my heart before

Many times

But the thing about unconditional love

Is that I can't help but love you no matter what

I am the one who will wait for you

Who will give you as much time as you need

But I am also the one who can give my love to someone else

I want that someone else to be you

But if you reject me

Reject my love

Then I will be the one who wont chase you anymore

I love you. With all of my heart. And I know that one day you can love me the way you loved him.... the way I love you.

Spirited Away

Have you ever been about to fall asleep and you can suddenly feel yourself actually starting to fall? Obviously we are laying stationary and not actually falling. But when this happens to me it’s a very transcendental feeling, and after it happens I actually wake up more and I feel so refreshed and energized. This is the first time I’ve ever tried to capture the feeling in words.

It starts with the ring of silence

The absence of sound that resonates through my soul

I then feel the sensation of falling

I can feel my heart beat, as a deep Earthen rhythmic beating in my chest

My breathing becomes heavy, my pupils dilate, and I become suddenly aware

 I am flooded with images

The images strobe through my sight

Trees, rivers, bridges, mountains, castles, ruins, nature

And I am taken to a place I’ve not been before

I am taken out of my body and placed in a spot where I can feel everything around me

The pain of the broken houses and the beaten land scream in my gut

The rushing of the water cries through me, and I am but the smallest of additions in the landscape

When I feel the most empty is when I am spirited away, and filled with something that can only be described as feeling;

A deep connection to everything around me and yet nowhere near me

When I am taken away by my mind, my problems cease to be and I take on the troubles of the world

In comparison my problems are so small, and I am reminded of my place in the world

All of the love in me that I have to give, gets taken, and used instead of refused and forgotten

When I go away inside of myself, I can heal

I have a power that is to simply feel

A power that so many have lost in this world

And when I come back, what was empty, is full

And I have a renewed sense of the world, my life, the people in it

In minutes I take on new direction and I resonate with love

I have meaning

I have purpose

I have something to give, and I will give until I am empty again

So that the next time I get spirited away, I can be refilled with feeling

I can hear the weeping of the hills, the panting of the sky, and the groaning of the mountains

I feel all of the hurt in the torn dwellings and the bruised life

And I will again be reminded that I am helpless

But by being so; I can begin to heal

We don’t need rallies and riots for reparations

We just need to care

Realistic Reassessments

Every now and again I take a day and reassess what’s going on in my life. I don’t have a journal and I figure some sort of outlet is healthy. Then again making it public might not always be a good idea >_>. Eh, what happens, happens. 

From an early age Halloween has always been my favorite holiday; October is my favorite month, and Autumn is my favorite season. As I’ve gotten older the season and more specifically the holiday is losing its magic. Every year it seems that my goals for the season become more distant and thus the positive impact the season has on me dwindles. I attribute this to growing up, and while it recognize the cause of this, it still sucks.

When I was younger, I had time to worry about a costume. The money I made at work could be spent on things, like a good costume or going places like Fright Fest or New Hope, PA. And it was so much easier to make plans to do stuff with your friends, because let’s face it, you saw them every day at school. 

This year I spoiled myself a little too much. I decided to be Link from the Legend of Zelda, I was also planning on going to a party in Philadelphia with an amazing girl and a bunch of friends. Deciding that I didn’t want a rinky dink costume, I bought each piece separately. Doing so accumulated into a quite expensive costume. And while I love the costume, it dawned on me that I’m an adult now and one night of fun, frankly, isn’t worth all I had paid for. I have bills and lots of debt now. What was supposed to be fun has turned into a major stress. 

Honestly the cost of everything would be fine if I had steady work, but that’s the thing, I don’t. I do military funerals with the NJ Honor Guard, and while it is great work and pay, out budget has been cut. So I went from working every single day and making lots of money, to absolutely no work at all. I have no way to pay off the costume I bought or the bills I already had. But that’s what adulthood isn’t it? The realization that not everything can be as easy and care free as it once was is a hard hill to overcome.  

The party that I’d mentioned before; it isn’t happening. To make a long story short, there was drama, some disagreements, and some honesty throw around. So not only have I bought a costume that I can’t afford, but I can’t even attend the party I bought it for. Life huh? 

Fortunately I’ll still be spending the Halloween weekend with some friends, and an amazing girl. So not all is lost to the world of grownups. But after this year, I just don’t know if I’ll celebrate the holiday as I always have. This year has just left me drained. 

I know what I have to do. I’m already applying for civilian jobs, and I’m going to try to re-class my MOS to a radar technician. I’ve been told I can get an extremely nice civilian job by doing that. The training is a year long though, and it isn’t guaranteed that I get into the school or that I’ll even find a job when I get out. But it’s something right? I’ll volunteer for deployment if that’s what it takes to get my life moving. I want to move out so bad, and it kills me that only now I realize that all the money I spent on a costume, I could have put towards a new place. Lesson learned. But I’m tired of sitting around and thinking about what I’m doing wrong. I’m taking action now, and I’m going to make my goals a reality. 

I’ve got to make a lot of changes, and I know I’ll be losing a whole lot of people and stuff along that way. But I can’t stay here forever. The end will justify the means, and I refuse to end up like the majority of my family, who live with their parents still. Not to say that I don’t love and respect them. But I strive to be better, I really want people to be proud of me; I want them to be happy they know me.  I’m an adult now. I need to start acting like it and take charge of my life.

Lonely Night

Lonely night

So black and white

All signs of you

Are out of sight

I wish I may

I wish I might

Share my bed with you tonight

With TV on

And volume low

I sleep the way

I’ve come to know

But cold am I

Without you here

To keep me warm

To bring me cheer

So, long I wait

In dimming light

Cast by TV

On this lonely night

I wish I may

I wish I might

Share my bed with you tonight

Here: A Poem About Running

I used to hate running. Like really hate it… I was slow and I couldn’t run very far. Unfortunately the military requires me to be able to run two miles in under 16 minutes. It doesn’t seem that hard, but for me it was. When I got home from BCT and AIT (Basic Combat Training and Advanced Individual Training) I was still rubbish at running. It wasn’t until about February of 2011; when I started working out with a friend, that I really found my rhythm with running. Andy and I went from struggling with a mile and a half to doing daily seven milers, and 10 miles when we are feeling up to it. I can honestly say that I love running now. I never thought I would, but I’m glad I do.

Here, I can let it all out

Here, I can be free

Here, I can be happy

Here, I can be me

Here is where my heart lives

Beating in my chest

Here, is the me I love

The me I love best

Here, it’s so simple

Just left foot then right

Here, it’s all so complicated

Just give up? Or continue the fight?

Here, I go farther

And faster than my dreams

Here, is where my stress dies

Torn apart at the seams

Here, I run for me

I run for all I’m worth

Here, I feel it deep inside

My connection to the Earth

Here, it’s all so clear

Breathe in, and then, breath out

Here, I know my destination

My heart will beat the route

I don’t run to look good

I run to be me

Here, I was born to run

And here, running sets me free

I don’t write a lot of things that rhyme and it was fun to try something new with my writing. I’ve had a lot of time lately and hopefully I can keep up with my blogging. It’s about time right?!