Spirited Away

Have you ever been about to fall asleep and you can suddenly feel yourself actually starting to fall? Obviously we are laying stationary and not actually falling. But when this happens to me it’s a very transcendental feeling, and after it happens I actually wake up more and I feel so refreshed and energized. This is the first time I’ve ever tried to capture the feeling in words.

It starts with the ring of silence

The absence of sound that resonates through my soul

I then feel the sensation of falling

I can feel my heart beat, as a deep Earthen rhythmic beating in my chest

My breathing becomes heavy, my pupils dilate, and I become suddenly aware

 I am flooded with images

The images strobe through my sight

Trees, rivers, bridges, mountains, castles, ruins, nature

And I am taken to a place I’ve not been before

I am taken out of my body and placed in a spot where I can feel everything around me

The pain of the broken houses and the beaten land scream in my gut

The rushing of the water cries through me, and I am but the smallest of additions in the landscape

When I feel the most empty is when I am spirited away, and filled with something that can only be described as feeling;

A deep connection to everything around me and yet nowhere near me

When I am taken away by my mind, my problems cease to be and I take on the troubles of the world

In comparison my problems are so small, and I am reminded of my place in the world

All of the love in me that I have to give, gets taken, and used instead of refused and forgotten

When I go away inside of myself, I can heal

I have a power that is to simply feel

A power that so many have lost in this world

And when I come back, what was empty, is full

And I have a renewed sense of the world, my life, the people in it

In minutes I take on new direction and I resonate with love

I have meaning

I have purpose

I have something to give, and I will give until I am empty again

So that the next time I get spirited away, I can be refilled with feeling

I can hear the weeping of the hills, the panting of the sky, and the groaning of the mountains

I feel all of the hurt in the torn dwellings and the bruised life

And I will again be reminded that I am helpless

But by being so; I can begin to heal

We don’t need rallies and riots for reparations

We just need to care

Realistic Reassessments

Every now and again I take a day and reassess what’s going on in my life. I don’t have a journal and I figure some sort of outlet is healthy. Then again making it public might not always be a good idea >_>. Eh, what happens, happens. 

From an early age Halloween has always been my favorite holiday; October is my favorite month, and Autumn is my favorite season. As I’ve gotten older the season and more specifically the holiday is losing its magic. Every year it seems that my goals for the season become more distant and thus the positive impact the season has on me dwindles. I attribute this to growing up, and while it recognize the cause of this, it still sucks.

When I was younger, I had time to worry about a costume. The money I made at work could be spent on things, like a good costume or going places like Fright Fest or New Hope, PA. And it was so much easier to make plans to do stuff with your friends, because let’s face it, you saw them every day at school. 

This year I spoiled myself a little too much. I decided to be Link from the Legend of Zelda, I was also planning on going to a party in Philadelphia with an amazing girl and a bunch of friends. Deciding that I didn’t want a rinky dink costume, I bought each piece separately. Doing so accumulated into a quite expensive costume. And while I love the costume, it dawned on me that I’m an adult now and one night of fun, frankly, isn’t worth all I had paid for. I have bills and lots of debt now. What was supposed to be fun has turned into a major stress. 

Honestly the cost of everything would be fine if I had steady work, but that’s the thing, I don’t. I do military funerals with the NJ Honor Guard, and while it is great work and pay, out budget has been cut. So I went from working every single day and making lots of money, to absolutely no work at all. I have no way to pay off the costume I bought or the bills I already had. But that’s what adulthood isn’t it? The realization that not everything can be as easy and care free as it once was is a hard hill to overcome.  

The party that I’d mentioned before; it isn’t happening. To make a long story short, there was drama, some disagreements, and some honesty throw around. So not only have I bought a costume that I can’t afford, but I can’t even attend the party I bought it for. Life huh? 

Fortunately I’ll still be spending the Halloween weekend with some friends, and an amazing girl. So not all is lost to the world of grownups. But after this year, I just don’t know if I’ll celebrate the holiday as I always have. This year has just left me drained. 

I know what I have to do. I’m already applying for civilian jobs, and I’m going to try to re-class my MOS to a radar technician. I’ve been told I can get an extremely nice civilian job by doing that. The training is a year long though, and it isn’t guaranteed that I get into the school or that I’ll even find a job when I get out. But it’s something right? I’ll volunteer for deployment if that’s what it takes to get my life moving. I want to move out so bad, and it kills me that only now I realize that all the money I spent on a costume, I could have put towards a new place. Lesson learned. But I’m tired of sitting around and thinking about what I’m doing wrong. I’m taking action now, and I’m going to make my goals a reality. 

I’ve got to make a lot of changes, and I know I’ll be losing a whole lot of people and stuff along that way. But I can’t stay here forever. The end will justify the means, and I refuse to end up like the majority of my family, who live with their parents still. Not to say that I don’t love and respect them. But I strive to be better, I really want people to be proud of me; I want them to be happy they know me.  I’m an adult now. I need to start acting like it and take charge of my life.

Lonely Night

Lonely night

So black and white

All signs of you

Are out of sight

I wish I may

I wish I might

Share my bed with you tonight

With TV on

And volume low

I sleep the way

I’ve come to know

But cold am I

Without you here

To keep me warm

To bring me cheer

So, long I wait

In dimming light

Cast by TV

On this lonely night

I wish I may

I wish I might

Share my bed with you tonight

Here: A Poem About Running

I used to hate running. Like really hate it… I was slow and I couldn’t run very far. Unfortunately the military requires me to be able to run two miles in under 16 minutes. It doesn’t seem that hard, but for me it was. When I got home from BCT and AIT (Basic Combat Training and Advanced Individual Training) I was still rubbish at running. It wasn’t until about February of 2011; when I started working out with a friend, that I really found my rhythm with running. Andy and I went from struggling with a mile and a half to doing daily seven milers, and 10 miles when we are feeling up to it. I can honestly say that I love running now. I never thought I would, but I’m glad I do.

Here, I can let it all out

Here, I can be free

Here, I can be happy

Here, I can be me

Here is where my heart lives

Beating in my chest

Here, is the me I love

The me I love best

Here, it’s so simple

Just left foot then right

Here, it’s all so complicated

Just give up? Or continue the fight?

Here, I go farther

And faster than my dreams

Here, is where my stress dies

Torn apart at the seams

Here, I run for me

I run for all I’m worth

Here, I feel it deep inside

My connection to the Earth

Here, it’s all so clear

Breathe in, and then, breath out

Here, I know my destination

My heart will beat the route

I don’t run to look good

I run to be me

Here, I was born to run

And here, running sets me free

I don’t write a lot of things that rhyme and it was fun to try something new with my writing. I’ve had a lot of time lately and hopefully I can keep up with my blogging. It’s about time right?!

Whats Goin On Lately

So its been a while since I shared any insight on what is actually going on in my life. And seeing as this is a blog, not about science or advice, but about me, I'm don't see why not. The problem is that most of the time I lead a pretty boring life, or so I think anyways. So coming up with an interesting topic is somewhat of a challenge.
First I'd like to talk about Halloween! It is hands down my favorite holiday, and October is my favorite month. Their is some kind of childhood magic I associate with Autumn and more specifically Halloween and October. I have a lot planned this month. I've got a trip to New Hope PA planned. Several birthdays to celebrate. And of course the parties, with a big Halloween party at the end of the month in Philly.
I'll be attending the party as Link from the Legend of Zelda series. A video game legacy that defines my childhood. Seeing as the character means so much to me I spared no expense in the costume. I had the iconic green tunic hand made for me. I got real leather Bracers and boots (though the Bracers came in black instead of brown -_-). I even ordered a real steel replica of the Master Sword and the Hylian Shield. All I need is a wig and for everything to get to my house in time >_<. My friend, the very lovely Andrea (her tumblr), will be going with me dressed as Princess Zelda. I can't put into words my excitement.
I've also been running a lot with Andy; I have mentioned him in previous posts. We are up to 8-10 miles each run. I never thought I would love running as much as I do. I'm getting in great shape and it is really helping my confidence. The past two months I have reached amazing milestones in fitness that, if I were working out by myself, I probably wouldn't have.
There is a lot more going on right now. But I think ill save it for a later post. That way I have more to talk about! I finally got a blogger application on my phone so I can update on the go too!
So for now, keep your head up and smile. Their is always some good to be seen.

Painted

Another poem I wrote. Lately I have been feeling particularly creative. I'm trying to use the time to really make things I can be proud of. Any critiques are very welcome.

Life and love are universal in nature

Completely random and unpredictable

Subatomic particles trek through time and space

Until they meet in an explosion of events

That are your life

Where once was void

A vacuum inside

There is now energy

Exploding in all directions

Though grand in observation,

Completely unattainable

I feel the cosmic radiation

That is your love

You are a twinkle of a star

Painted on the nights sky

Misleading and wonderful you are,

You share a glimpse into a universe unknown to me;

Make me feel near, safe, loved…

When in truth you are bigger

Much bigger then I’ll ever be

And farther

Much farther then I’ll ever go

Still…

Every night I look into your twinkling face

Miniscule in comparison,

I give my heart to your night’s sky

So I too may be part of something larger

Much larger then I

Like my heart

The universe constantly expands,

And my expanding heart will always have room for you

For now though,

My eyelids drift south

And I say unto you

Goodnight my expanding universe

My distant sun

My twinkling star

I’ll see you tomorrow night

Painted in perfection as you always are

Free Radicals

I wrote this for someone and decided to publish it. I'm actually pretty proud of it =]. So here it is, a poem titled Free Radicals.

You are my breath

With each gasp, I take in free radicals

That slowly destroy me

But each one is precious

Loved

Needed

Beyond my biological needs

My breath is refreshing

And cleanses me

It gives me clarity

And patience

It is my breath that calms me

That quells the monster inside

My breath is cherished

Appreciated

Never taken for granted

The very thing that takes toxins into my lungs

Heals me,

Bequeaths me life

It is benevolent in nature

And wicked by necessity

From my first to my last

What gave me life

Sustained it

And took it away

Is you

My love.